Wednesday, if you haven't already heard my oh so small towned Leland people, I had a medical procedure done and I was diagnosed with colitis. We are currently waiting on lab results so find out whether I have Ulcerative Colitis, which my older cousin has, or Crohn's Disease. Here's the thing about colitis. It's a chronic condition aka life long. The only known cure of colitis is complete removal of the large intestine...not an option. Plenty of people have it, take medication for it, and live completely normal lives...which I fully intend to do. I have some medications but they can't fully treat me until they know what I have for sure. Prayers are welcome. And don't worry. I'll be fine. I've always been a fighter and I always will be and I've got an awesome support system going here. Matt being amoung the front line of those.

About Matt. Matt is my new boyfriend. We've been together for a little over a week and already he has proven himself to be the best boyfriend I've ever had. When I finally told him what I was spending all this time at the doctor's office for he said he wanted to be with me that night just to make sure that I was ok and he wanted to be with me the next day to make sure I was ok then. He called every chance he got and he was practically by my side through it all. Matt has been the best thing in my life in a long time. If he's going through this with me after only 1 week, I can't begin to fathom where else he'll stand by my side and take my hand in my time of need. I know that God puts people in your life for His own reasons, I believe that Matt is a blessing meant to help me through such a hard time in my life. I do believe I'm falling  for him, but it's far too soon to use the L word.

Going through this has also given me a renewed faith in God. I know it seems crazy that I can't get something like this and only love God that much more for it, but it's not. God, and life, puts you through tests and trials and it's only meant to strengthen you. Like I'm going to begin making better living choices, healthier choices. I'm backing off sodas and drinking more water and Gatorade. I'm eating better foods like carrots and celery  and I'm going to work out more. This is just my kick in the pants from God.

I'm also prosecuting my first case Tuesday in Teen Court. Wish me luck. That's right. I'm now involved in Teen Court. I'm trying my hand at being an attorney these first few weeks and maybe I'll get lucky and find my niche w/ prosecuting this first off, but if not there's plenty else to try. I need this for college application padding and to help people. It's like giving people a second chance......and me an excuse to buy a new outfit and boots! lol.

Well I'm out. Luv much. Thanks for the prayers!

I told you how I felt
And in doing so I was freed
The ice castles around my heart

Melted away from me

But then you looked right through me
You looked deep inside my eyes
Past my facade to the soul of the real me

For one second I was alive

Electricity shot through me
Moving through the air
I looked back into your ice blue eyes
And found nothing but a well built wall there

The stars in the sky above us
Looked down on me as I sighed
Then in the light from the theatre
A tear slid from my eye

I walked away not looking back
Secretly removing the tear from my face
I laughed with our frineds like nothing happened
And stars looked down on us from space

I switched to myspace a long time ago and haven't updated a lot. I haven't really been inspired to. It's not like things are great or bad they're just in between and hanging. I've been spending a lot of time with some new friends and we're losing one to the military soon. He leaves us Saturday to go spend a few weeks with his family before he goes into boot camp. Pray for him please. His name is Kyle. I promise to try. But if you want to know about my life recently, as always, check out insanityisfun.mindsay.com...that's where I'm continually updating on my life. You can also find a link to my myspace but it's not very reliable for too much info on my life. I promise to return soon with new material....can't promise it'll rock your world though. lol. Luv Much.

Your Suicidal Child,

Marguerita<3

I want to hear that I'm wrong

Tell me that I lie

Because every time you say you love me

That is when I die

Tell me I'm unfaithful

Tell me I'm untrue

Tell me there's something wrong with me

Tell me how much I lie to you

Every night when I lay down

I say a little prayer

In hopes that the next morning

My lies will not be there

Tell I'm a cheater

Tell I'm a bitch

Tell me there's something wrong with me

I can lie without a hitch

I lie to you so much

And never have I looked back

I lie to you at least once a day

I lie to you and laugh

I lie to you and you know it

I lie to you and I love it

Tell me if I'm doing this right

Tell me you believe

Every word coming from my mouth

I know that you believe

You believe my little lies

You believe the huge ones too

You believe when I say I'll do one thing

I've given up on you

I don't know what came over me

I can't tell you why

Now every time I think about you

It makes me want to cry

Cry because I can't have

And because I know I can

Cry because I know life's rough on you

And you won't let me lend a hand

We've been friends for years

And now that I've told you how I feel

I'm not sorry that I told you the truth

But now you're acting too unreal

I know you're in pain

But you won't let me help

You're scared to get hurt again

You should know I won't

I don't look at other boys

Not when I'm around you!

Do you know how weird that is for me?

I didn't even flirt!

It's been a while since I've been here

Thing are not the same

And I don't know if You noticed

But I'm liking it that way

The way You talk

The way You walk

You stay right by my side

The way You say

You'll never sway

You make me feel alright

I lost my in the dark

Fighting for the longest time

I'd stumble and crawl

Until my hands and knees were raw

But You were there

You never let me go

Never let me down

You've never once left my side

It's the...

The way You talk

The way You walk

You stay right by my side

The way You say

You'll never sway

You make me feel alright

And I want You to know

That I'll never ever let You go

I've had my struggles in the past

But now I've come to find it's only You that lasts

It's the..

The way You talk

The way You walk

You stay right by my side

The way You say

You'll never sway

You make me feel alright

It's the...

The way You talk

The way You walk

You stay right by my side

The way You say

You'll never sway

You make me feel alright

And now I'm lost in You

Drowning in Your love

And I don't want to be no where else

I'm loving your love in Me

Kidd.

I'm over you.

What else am I to do?

You didn't respect me.

That was wrong.

Now I sing that one song.

Kidd.

I hope you're listening.

You didn't love me.

You just wanted my body.

You didn't respect my believes.

So you left.

Kidd.

Yes, part of me will always love you.

But I will never return to you.

I'm better than that.

I know I deserve more.

Kidd.

This is me finally breaking up with you.

This is me finally saying we are through.

Kidd.

We can still be friends.

But this is where our love ends.

Kidd.

This is a letter for you.

What else am I to do?

I don't understand what went wrong.

I think about you everytime I hear that song.

Kidd.

I don't think you understand.

Just how well you played your hand.

More or less played me, now I can see.

But my heart still cries "meant to be".

Kidd.

My mind tells me to turn away.

My heart tells me that I should stay.

I don't know which to listen to.

All I know is that part of me still loves you.

Kidd.

I don't understand what went wrong.

Explain it to me, even if it takes all day long.

Kidd.

I don't have much time.

But if I now become lost, you know where to find.....

You say you're true

You say you're real

But I don't know

I can't feel

You keep your heart locked up inside

You make it hard for me to tell your truth from your lie

I try to tell but I can't

I don't know if you're even truely alive

Someday someone will heat your cold

Someday you'll no longer feel alone

Someday your heart will go hand in hand with mine

Someday, when we're older, we'll be fine

I called you

You didn't answer

I went to bed

I slept

I waited

I waited

I waited

You didn't call

You told me you'd call

You lied

Nothing new

So I slept

But my call was important

I tried because I had to

I have something I need to tell you

I'm still in love with you

You ignore me

You scorn me

Throw me into the fires that reign

Still I return to you

Despite what you do

Force you to look into my eyes again

Love conquers all

Love will not let fall

But there is a way for love to fail

When one loves someone

But they love another

Love is surely going to hell

Already I miss your laugh

That smile you always had

Part of me begs the Lord to send you back

The rest of my knows you're happier there

I can't help but cry so much

This entire town is at a loss

I wonder if you knew you were loved so much

If you didn't, I'm sure you do now

I felt your soul with us today

I knew you were close

You, now an angel, from Heaven made your way

You were probably hugging everyone

Jonathan, so sweet and wonderful

Never once did I see you frown

Now you're surround by happiness unimaginable

And I know we'll see you again

I've got the words

They're just not ready

To be seen by the world

Emotions unsteady

A small town rocked

17 years old and gone

Death kills more than one really

And we can't seem to move on

We charish his smile

His laugh and voice

Never to be heard again until Heaven

All because of choice

You don't think it will happen to you

You don't think your friends can die

Now I know it can happen to anyone

You don't believe me....take my place and give it a try

Forever loved and forever missed

Jonathan, my friend

In Heaven with God, Jon.....

My friend

RIP Jonathan "Jon" White 3/14/88-2/4/06 RIP

YESTURDAY

In case those of you who attend/attended NBHS haven't heard....Jon White died early this morning in a car crash. Jentry was driving. Jentry is alive. They had been drinking and Jentry took a turn WAY too fast. Joey was on the phone with them the entire time. I don't know what is wrong or right to do. I've cried and now I'm in shock. But I don't know what to do. And I don't understand it. Jon was popular and nice! He wasn't an unlikeable asshole! He was nice and decent. He was even nice to me! I don't think anyone can understand what that meant to me. Yeah, it meant something! He was 17! He wasn't even Clayton's age! I guess I keep forgetting we're not invincible just because we're young.

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TODAY

Jon White, 17, died around 2:30 AM [Sunday morning]. Car crash. I've cried, but mostly I'm in shock. How can someone so young and so undeserving of this receive this? He was popular, yeah, but he was nice. He was nice to me when his friends were cruel. I can't believe this. I'm praying for Jon, Jon's family, Jon's friends (basically all of Leland and NBHS), and Jentry. He was so young. He was a great person. He didn't deserve this. No one does! I saw him just this past week! He was at school...I saw him! Jon, we'll miss you so much.

-from my myspace (thanks for the idea brad)

As for today....it was sad. I felt alone for some reason. They painted the graffiti rock in memory of him. They've wrote it on the bathroom walls. So many people crying. And all I could do was offer a smile of "it will be ok" and I know that that is never enough. I want to cry, but I can't. I miss him. I wasn't his best friend, but like I said, he was nice to me when others were cruel. I saw him last week and I thought "I should say hi. He's busy, I'll do it later." I realize now that I won't always have later. To all of my friends, though we may not always agree, thank you for being there and being my friend. I feel like I'm even more separate from this town now because...I'm not mad at Jentry. I can't blame him. That is not how I cope. I've looked at it. If he was meant to live, God would have let him live. It was simply his time. I understand why Jentry did what he did post-crash because I can empathize with him and I know from personal expirience...you don't truely have control. Everyone says "I wouldn't have done that. I would have done this." YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! How can you prove that? Read a little, live a little, you are not always in control up there! How do you know what you'd do? Prove it! Get off of Jentry's back! He's going to live the rest of his life with his best friend's blood on his hands because he feels it's his fault...when it's no one's. Everything happens for a reason. It was Jon's time. And he's happy now because he's in Heaven with God and eternal happiness. I hope someone understand what I mean by this. I hope someone besides me knows that it's not Jentry's fault. It's no ones!

Jon will be missed, but let's remember that 2 lives could have been lost that night. Then who would you blame? Exactly. It's no one's fault. It was destiny. It was tragic, but it was destiny. And I know God is holding all of us and someday I won't be the only one who knows.

I hear America singing

Conformity they cry

I hear America singing

A loveless lullaby

Broken hearts and tear staind cheeks

Silently walk by

We ignore them and press on

Silently they die

I hear America singing

Normalcy they cry

I hear America singing

A war-time lullaby

Bullets fly as soldiers die

The true reason they never knew

Their friends press on even though they're gone

Never to know the truth

I hear American singing

Conformity they cry

I hear American singing

A war-time lullaby

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So my teacher was just like "Write a poem about what you think is going on in America today." or something like that. Anyway, we'd been talking about this one poem and she told us we had to use the line "I hear America singing" at least once. Well since I'm a lazy ass I figure I'll just pound out a few stanzas and I'll be good. My teacher went nuts over this. It's not bad, but I doubt it's my best.

Watching as time passes

Slow as molasses

Wanting the day to end

Wishing someone would show me

I need someone to show me

That I have a friend

A cold wind whips my hair

My gaze is far, my mind not there

Wanting the day to end

I can't understand

The confusion at hand

In silence I sit and think

I write my thoughts

What's trugh, what's not?

Tell me so I can breathe

Looking out unto a vast sea of faces

My friends, my enemies, all in their place

Wondering how this order came to be

All these feelings confusing me

I pray to understand how they all work

And someday I might see clear this messy murk

I'll never forget how I came to be

I'll forever remember these memories made me

I refuse to believe we'll never understand

Why we chooe who we choose to walk with hand in hand

I can believe one thing I know is true

Everyone has someone in the end, even me and you

Looking out unto the vast sea

Now scattering to their friends, they flee

Understanding this confusion

Was meant for me